Pre-Existing Conditions

Doctor Joe: Welcome back to Universal Bidencare. I see it’s time for your two-week review.

Patient: Good to see you, doctor. The Health Plan looks pretty good so far. Any news on my eligibility?

Dr J: Well, the good news is that Universal’s goal is to extend coverage to everyone in the U.S., from native-born to undocumented immigrant. The bad news is that you have a rather lengthy list of pre-existing conditions.

P: Pre-existing… but doctor, you promised…

Dr J: Now, now, don’t get your knickers in a… I mean, you’re covered! My promises weren’t just malarkey, you know. But it will take a while– quite a long while, by the looks of it– to actually treat these conditions. Coverage is not necessarily the same as treatment, you understand.

P: Sure. You’ll need more funding, infrastructure, manufacturing, staffing, co-operation from Congress, buy-in from regular folks; it goes on and on, right?

Dr J: You got it, pal. And if you look at this list– man! Holy Mackerel! You’ve still got a raging Covid-19 pandemic, and it’s already ’21! Nearing 450,000 dead in this country alone. Inadequate vaccine delivery, worsened by confusing governmental policies. The economy has been crippled, and the GOP is stubbornly resisting Rehab. Despite all this, there are people still in denial, calling Covid a hoax, and not distancing or wearing masks. Somehow I doubt that venting their spleens will magically relieve their sphincter spasms.

P: But I’m going to get better in the long term, right? I don’t have any fever…

Dr J: Not so fast. According to my climate scientists, your average temperature has been rising at an alarming rate for decades, and you are now experiencing unprecedented numbers of devastating wildfires and hurricanes, severe droughts, heat waves, nightsweats…

P: Yeah, but we’re moving to alternative energy sources and electric cars. And we’ve rejoined the Paris Agreement!

Dr J: Here’s the deal: without follow-through, that’s just a placebo. Do you really think a country riddled with anti-science beliefs and fed a steady diet of conspiracy theories has the resolve to tackle the existential crisis of global warming? It’s so divided now; in fact, Multiple Personality Disorder is right here on your list! I actually suspect an auto-immune disease, with so many parts of the body attacking other parts. Or , God forbid, leukemia– that’s a blood malignancy, where deranged white cells fight all other cells for supremacy. They fill you with hate and anger (although you might rally once in a while), and eventually you take complete leave of your senses.

P: Um, speaking of senses , doc, I have been feeling increasingly deaf… to the voices of minorities… and blind… to racial injustice?

Dr J: As long as you don’t lose your sense of smell and taste, haHA! No, clearly you are suffering from PTSD, which doesn’t help. And the other items on your list, let’s see… ah. It says here that you have a bad case of osteoporosis; you’re exceedingly brittle, it seems, and your Republican party is essentially spineless. The country is poised to fracture in a big way, and that will only compound your wounded national pride and the injuries already sustained by your body politic.

P: What if I start taking calcium supplements?

Dr J (shaking his head): The problem, I would guess, is mid-life hormonal changes– your age is, what, 244? A mid-life crisis would go along with your rash actions overseas, international lack of gravitas, your increasing isolation, recession/depression and loss of exceptionalism.

P: Wow. Is there a pill I can take for that, doctor?

Dr J: No, not a pill– but you have already taken the most important first step: removal of that large, malignant orange tumor pressing on your throat and chest, weighing so heavily on you for the past four years. However, there are indications that the cancer has already spread, I’m sorry to say, to the hearts and minds of a large segment of the population– far too many to resect.

P: Oh, no! What can we do?

Dr J: One treatment option would be conviction in the upcoming impeachment trial and prevention of any future role in elected office. But as I said, the GOP has no backbone and is already back-pedaling their calls for impeachment, refusing any “radical” procedure.

P: So… maybe we should just focus on the big picture, then. Like healing the country with a clean, surgical approach to local problems, then suturing the wounds, tending them closely to avoid re-inflammation?

Dr J: Exactly what I would prescribe! At the same time, though, putting off the even bigger problem would constitute malpractice. Let’s make an appointment right now to start treating your rising temperature. Okay, pal? Only when that disaster is taken care of, by whatever intervention necessary, can we truly say, “Let the healing begin.”